Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Drunk is a universal language darling
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
