just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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