omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
