I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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