While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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