The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
