I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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