I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I looked at my own cervix.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
