I will die if light touches me.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
