Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
