just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
