mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
