are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
