theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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