got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
