In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
