dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
