I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
