I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
