if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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