Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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