then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
