Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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