she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
there is glitter all over my balls
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