He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
