dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I need to calm my uterus...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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