Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
