my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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