Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
