Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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