By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
