just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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