see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
