your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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