gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
