I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
