I need to stop coming to work sober
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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