So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
