shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
