If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
