guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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