I murdered the dance floor call the cops
People in love make me want to vomit
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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