dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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