Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just had sex on a roof
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
