Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
