we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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