Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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