You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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