pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
