i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
