I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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