Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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