pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
